Blecch

It’s true that children are simply an incubus of germs waiting to be transferred to the next readily available adult. I’m starting to think of Baby Jake as one of those drive-thru bank tubes, where mother nature, or whomever, places a virus inside of him, pushes a button, and shoots him straight to me.

Come to think of it…it’s not really Jake, it’s me. Somehow, I have managed to produce one of the weakest immune systems for a perfectly healthy individual. So much so that even my general practitioner is baffled and marvels at the number of times I come stumbling in begging for antibiotics (drugs) and other happy pills. Every time I have my blood work done, it comes back perfect. I believe my physician said something to the effect of “I usually expect to see some percentage of allergy or weakness in the immune system, and all of yours say zero percent.” That probably wasn’t an accurate quote, but it’s how accurately I remember it. Anyhow, I exercise, eat relatively well (skip to the next few paragraphs), take vitamins, and am in perfect health... (Actually, THAT’S what she said – no really, it’s what she said – that I am in “perfect health”)...yet somehow, I manage to ALWAYS be sick. I jest that if someone even mentions that they are coming down with something, I will be sure to contract whatever it is the next day, and I’m usually right!

What does this have to do with Jake? Well, for the last week I have been fighting something. It started with a headache, transitioned into low grade fevers, achiness, and then BAM, it hit me suddenly. Jake, in the meantime, has been spitting up, vomiting sporadically, and fought a fever, as well. We have been simultaneously fighting symptoms, however, when he fights his symptoms, he continues to plow through everything like a mini monster and manages to do it with a grin on his face. I, on the other hand, cannot get out of bed.

The last two days, I have experienced a horrific and disgusting bug that included (without getting too graphic) excessive vomiting and painful (yes, painful) fever, aches, and chills. The cherry on top was the massive migraine headache I had all night. For those who know me well, you know how much I detest the process of throwing up. My mind is constantly baffled by those who suffer bulimia. How do they do it?! In addition to being painful and disgusting, I, personally, become nothing short of a small child when it comes to this disgusting activity. I start shaking, crying, and begging for my mom…even at this age. The last time I experienced something so terrible was the day after Sabrina & JJ’s engagement party. I had a sinus infection, took antibiotics, and still managed to go wine tasting (hey, I didn’t drink anything that night!). The next day, (ask Audry), we had to pull over every 10 minutes on the way home from Napa to San Francisco so that I could experience the pain and anguish of, ew, throwing up bile on the side of CA-29, which oh by the way, is a 2-lane road, because it turns out I am allergic to that antibiotic, and wine tasting probably didn’t help. (I could continue about stories of being sick, and how I am constantly baffled at how quickly people, Sabrina, can bounce back, but that’s for another day.) Back to the present time, today I am operating at about 98%. I do manage to have my appetite back, and now brings us to the point of my even writing this entry.

Obviously, I am feeling REALLY inspired, because I haven’t made any entries in awhile, and as we all know (all 6 of you), when I have a PSA, I am impatient chicken and need to share with the world immediately.

I did not eat a single thing except two saltines and a cup of chicken broth the first day this extraordinary bug harpooned my system. Yesterday, I did manage to eat some healthy black bean chili and rice. Today, I was determined to have what my body was actually craving – a hamburger (no cheese) and strawberry shake. What better place to purchase such items than McDonald’s, because, after all, if you’re going to go, you might as well go big and get the fries, as well. Plus, I actually had it in my head that avoiding cheese might actually help (and yes, I’m aware the shake is dairy…leave me alone).

Well, yes, people, I have seen Supersize Me, and yes, I recall how sick Morgan Spurlock (Google) became after eating McDonald’s every day for 30 days. I was not planning on eating this every day (save for the time I was pregnant and DID, in fact, stop at McDonald’s for breakfast every day in the 1st and 2nd trimesters…ok…and most of the 3rd – wait – how did I gain 45 lbs.?). I thought to myself, “Self, one day ain’t gonna kill ya.” I actually thought that if I got the Quarter Pounder with no cheese, only ate half the large fries, and maybe downed 1/3 of the shake, I might be in good shape and still satisfy my craving. I did even better than that, people! I ate the Quarter Pounder with one bun, yes, had half the fries, and took MAYBE 5 sips of the shake (too sweet even for me) and trashed the rest.

I was so proud of myself for listening to my body.

Lo and behold, not even thirty minutes later, I heard the all too familiar rumblings in my tummy, and the food, quite literally, hit me like a ton of bricks. As I am furiously typing this tale, my stomach is writhing and feeling like Laila Ali is using my intestine as her personal punching bag. It has now been 4 hours, and I’m still unable to properly function.
Circling back to Mr. Jake. My aunt kept him over the weekend. She, her friend, my daughter, and my daughter’s friend all fought the funk this week, not to mention, my darling husband is feeling the effects of this nasty bug today. Maybe, if I were one of those moms who bathed in Lysol every 30 minutes, this would not have happened.

…and I wouldn’t have wasted $6.41 to make myself miserably sick again. Curses McDonald’s!